Thursday, August 30, 2007

Masochistic pain

Pain is universal. Hurt translates to pain...

But the pleasure we derive from such pain is relative. Masochist are mere mortals. They also feel pain. They get hurt. They cry.

However, pain to them is not something we should run away from. In fact it should be entertained... Even sought. Absurd to some, but the logic is simple.

We derive the greatest pleasure in the widest emotional swing. Picture out having the worst day of your life then with the flick of a finger, you transcend to the state of nirvana. Now compare that to having a good day then receiving a good news? The former should have the greatest pleasure.

That is why masochists seek pain. Not because they want it... but because they want to feel the greatest pleasure. In the eyes of a masochist, that is the only way to live... but the best way as well. ***

Raise this glass

The chain is still complete. Last night was a blast.

Redemption to the spirits.

Pleasure I felt gaining power and something seemed to take over me. I'm no longer afraid.

My tears not for sadness but of the freedom that I gained once again.

Redemption to the spirits. I raise my glass again!

Friday, August 24, 2007

I love you, I kill you

If love can kill, then what is there to live for?

It is a matter of risk... and return. A concept derived from money. Money, possession and property... where do you place love? Will it be above them all?

Love does hurt. In fact, it kills you. Because love takes up a part of your person. But it is the greatest feeling one can have. Everyone would agree, they should! Even a player, a hopeless romantic, a newbie, or the desperatus... the desperate one.

I never regretted the fact that I have loved... I am happy that I am in love... And I am looking forward to be more in love with YOU.

Yeah, It kills me. But I'm loving it. I love you, I kill you, but I love you forever.

Weird. ***

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

se7en

Inside the mind of a habitual sinner...

Sloth - It usually starts here. Sloth. We tend to ride on with life. Go with the flow, as many people would say. We simply don't go with effort. Convenience is our ultimate goal. The more comfortable and convenient we are... the better we think our lives are becoming. But is it really? Risk and pain creates the real "man". Temporary is our happiness we get through convenience. Then boredom kicks in.

Lust - With that boredom feeds all other things. We forget to think. We don't think at all. Rationalization becomes a mere tool to justify the consequences of our actions. The psychological jargon known as Id is dominating our psyche. Animal instincts... Lust.

Greed - Survival of the fittest. As animals, it is imprinted within us that in order to survive in the animal kingdom, we should do harsh things. But what drives us to do such? It is within us to be the best... to own everything... to rule the world. Nature dictates so, if our mind and conscience fails, to be greedy. We want it all.

Envy - We envy the success of others coz we want it all. We want ours to be ours... theirs should also be ours. Everything or none at all.

Anger - If we don't get it all, we seek refuge. Anger is one. Anger to all. Driven by the fact that if you can't have it, then no one can.

Gluttony - Because we don't want them to have it... then we should. But in inevitable situations, we tend to simply destroy it. We eat it up. We possess everything that we can. May it be uneeded or not... wanted or not. Just so that the other can't have it.

Pride - Then though all is lost... a man's pride is never lost. ***

Monday, August 20, 2007

The Weekend Thereafter

Last week marked the week thereafter of a promise made... and a promise kept.

It is the beginning of something... something I intend to keep.



For keeps. ***

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Morning After Pill

One morning, you wake up realizing that you are now single... but not looking. Idle and you feel like crap.

It is the first day of the post-breakup stage. The night before, you already emptied your wallet with your friends trying to forget what had just happened.... what had been lost. You drink all night. You felt great. But the weirdest thing about it is that after all that booze, there is no hangover only hang-ups.

In that same morning, you stay in bed. Your head is full of shitload. You think of the "past"... The past 12 hours that changed it all. Things could have been different. It could have been better. Now you're bitter.

Nostalgia then kicks in. You dig deeper... happy memories that will eventually be forgotten. Your first date. The time you became committed. You first kiss. A lot of "firsts" but there is only one "last". You can't bring back those times. You turn those memories into a speck of your imagination because you need to forget. Euphoric insignificance.

Then your emotional river opens up. Out of control... it controls you. It feeds you. Anger. Pain. Regret. You just need to cry... punch that wall... kick that door... throw that cellphone. Physical pain is nothing to what you're feeling right now.

That first day... till the day you find the new one. You look back to the pain you felt. You simply smile because you've realized that you've moved on. You're now ready to face yet another challenge... another love. ***

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Just Friends

**This is an insight on having a friend of the opposite sex. **

What is a "friend"?

A friend is someone you really trust. You share secrets. You show your true self to that person. Basically an open book because of the relationship you have to that person. But why can't you be romantically involved with that person? (most of the time...)

First of all, you are simply a friend so basically you are in the "friend's zone". Why do you think you share your deepest secrets with that person? Why do you talk about your own love lives? Why are you so open with each other? It is because you depend on each other when you have problems especially with your love interest. A friend is a wall to be leaned on. It is bound to stay as it is. It is static.

Next, friends are usually the extension of another. How would you feel if that extension is no longer? It is like an arm wanting to be your eyes... your ears... your lips. Now that would be absurd.

Then, your love for a friend is different from the love you give to your honey, darling, buttercup... (wtf! hehe) or whatever petnames you've got. Like ice and fire. Simply incompatible.

Finally, if you are a true friend, you wouldn't your friend to get hurt. So putting him or her in a situation that would entail romantic relevance would really hurt your friend. It has certain implications in your friendship. It's a mutual loss. And people get hurt in the process.

Though some friends do become lovers too. And former lovers do become friends. Then you can also have a friend and lover at the same time. The fact that is if you are a friend, stay as it is. It is not worth the risk. Your friend needs you... as a friend.

That is why personally, I promised myself never to court my friends, or my berks. It is simply not worth it. I tried once... but it wasn't worth it. ***

Oct-Dec 2004!!!

Monday, August 13, 2007

Hangover Thoughts

This blog ain't called Hangover Thoughts for nothing. It is the mere expression of the thoughts that lingers in my mind everytime I wake up....

Though it may sometimes be the usual hangover from booze, but most of the time, it is the hangover caused by emotions.

Feelings create the usually high we experience with alcohol. The high of "First's"...

We seek intelligence to judge such a feeling. We quantify it.

Power is created by this emotion. We feel as if we could achieve it all. We could have it all.

We sometimes puke at this feelings too... when it becomes so melancholic that some of us can't handle it anymore. It's dirty... it's nasty. And never tastes good.

Then after that, a cloud of darkness surround us... a cloud of doubt. We remember things that we hope won't happen again. We don't see the true picture but we are hindered by such fear. Fear of abandonment... fear of pain... fear of acceptance. Blackout.


Then your hangover... This is the most painful because it creeps inside of you. A feeling waiting to be expressed... to be understood.. and to be answered...

These are my hangover thoughts. Expressed... hoping to be understood... waiting to be answered. ***

I almost had you

I almost had you.

You almost had me.

Twice last week, I almost had her. Tough luck though. Something keeps on pushing us back. There is always something... something that keeps us apart. I couldn't say this is bound to inexistence. I want this... But do you want this too?

My life is full of ripples. Is this just another ripple? Another rip in my vulnerability as a person?

I couldn't be so much of a fool. I couldn't reside in my own little world. I have to have it big. I have to have it all. That's why I want you... Coz I want it all...

Now, I'm ashamed of myself. I never thought I was this naive. I gave you a chance... I'm still giving you a chance. You are giving me one too. Let's not waste it. For life is too short to play games.

I want you. Want me too... ***

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Dinner for Two

Early last night, I was with my special someone. It was a dinner for two. Beside our table were two not-so-young lovers having their dinner too. As they arrived, everything was normal. But as they sat down, the guy started to caress the hair of the girl. All the while we though that it was just another kinky display of the affection. The girl didn't seem to respond (Weird...). Then the guy was saying somethin' in the sweetest possible way. I caught a glance and saw him saying "I love you". The girl looked like she drank a whole bottle of vinegar. A not so pleasing sight. Obviously, they had a misunderstanding. It took them around 30 min to order. Luckily, the waiters were willing to WAIT... Weeee! They're waiters.

As the food arrived, they were already okay. The guy was in a state of great happiness. Much like winning the World Cup. Was he really winning? Or was he losing a part of himself in the process?

Fighting is healthy to our relationships. But too much of something is NOT good. When you are at the early stage of the realtionship, fighting is not that common. But you prepare yourself of what is yet to come. You prepare for the worst. Fights are the true test of your relationship. It is how you show your love to the person. Make-up... Break-up... Make-up...

If you don't fight at all, it may seem that you don't care. Small fights are good so that you could come up with a compromise. Big fights are also good, because it shows that you really want her, you care for her, and that you want to fight for her. But frequent fights are really stupid and immature.

This is only a part of the bad side of relationships. We should be ready to get hurt... be hurt. What is important is tha we tried... If we really make it a point to work out the relationship, it would definitely progress. The choice is ours... ***

Monday, August 6, 2007

Inherent to me and to you too

It is my inherent right to express my opinion in any forum I want so long as I don't state any defamatory or libelous comments to a certain individual. I also have the right to privacy. Though my profile in any social site is for public viewing, I still reserve the right to consider it as a private property. Blogs and other accounts also form part of my private space that no individual can simply invade for any private or corporate purpose. These are my rights...

Therefore, can you simply invade these rights? No matter how good you are in hacking or investigating links though in good faith, you are no good as to those who make malicious programs for their own individual purpose. I'm saying these because we all need to put a clear line between what is ethical or not. The web is not a medium that really advocates ethics. Though that may be the case, we should take that into consideration... to have even the littlest integrity for ourselves.

With the power given to us in the form of the web, we should always remember the rights I have stated earlier. It is our responsibility to uphold it. Not only for the benefit of the opinionated bloggers out there, but for ourselves too. What we do in the web speaks about what we do in the real world...

So goodluck to us! Again, this is my own personal space. Read it if you want. But I reserve my right to opinion and my privacy. My rights end when yours begin... But I won't go that far. ***

Sunday, August 5, 2007

Breakfast!

Breakfast!

It is my all important meal of the day. Not only because it is the first meal after fasting all night while you're asleep but because its how some people start their day. Start your day right! Start with a great breakfast. Comfort food, complete meal, or a quick munch whichever you like it.

Breakfast affects your aura... it affects your day. A great breakfast is geared toward a great day. It is the best part of my day. That is why when I'm stressed, I try to get a quick fix from a breakfast meal even at wee hours of the morning.

I hope to have my breakfast at this instant though it is almost halfway in the afternoon. It it my refuge from all the craziness in my life. I want to run... I want to hide... I want to become someone else... For a change... To start anew. But I can't do that. I have to stand up to what I had been and will be... We all regret somthing. But let us not forget that there is still tomorrow. There is still that breakfast waiting for us... Till the time that there is no more. ***

Thursday, August 2, 2007

Death of their common sense

Imbecilic acts made in a supposed corporate environment is really inexcusable especially coming from a higher authority. We are all mature and educated people here. Let us at least set aside our little childish temperance that could affect the careers of others. Let us not use the "rightness" of our actions to cover up the malice. Karma.... Karma... Karma...

Sometimes, power can be blinding... Policies more often than not are used to mask out our own selfish intentions. Oh well... thats power playing. But what do you get out of it? Do you think that since you're ever powerfull enough that you have all the right to prejudice other people? Are you Omnipotent? Of course not. Impotent maybe... Well not maybe. It is because your actions can be classified as penis envy or impotence (for those who have penises already).

Impotent. I can call you that, you higher authoritative madagascarian creature because you acted like one. You can impose authority to us... we submit to that. You have the power to make and enforce policies... we'll give you that. But can you at least act like an authoritative person? Your arguements are all baseless and malicious and implicating a single person all to satisfy your impotence. I so pity you right now. Taking shield over a policy that never existed. And the fact that the high PR rating of that site makes you wonder why your own admin site doesn't achieve all that. Your ego must have been crushed so bad that it encouraged you to do this.

Ahhh... impotence. You're an early bloomer. Again, I so pity you. Whoever you are. ***

You think so?

What do I really want out of my life?

Is it success? Is it true happiness? Is it simply love?

What's the difference if i can't have it?

Do I have to go on living just to find out?

Why are my questions answered by another one?

Why is it that the solution to all my problems is another problem?

Why is life a cycle? Can't it simply be linear? We start out sad and end up happy?

Why am I asking myself this? Am I crazy?

My life as you may not know it

A couple of months back, I consider myself one of the luckiest person alive. I had everything... everything that I've really wanted. I was 99% complete. I graduated with a degree in a good university. I got my dream job in a marketing research firm as part of the project management team. I was enjoying life in Metro Manila. I was fast adapting to the environment. I had a girlfriend. I appreciated the true worth of my family. And for the first time, my life had a direction.

But I was only 99% complete. I can't come to comprehend what was missing. I searched deep inside me for that 1%. I became very uncomfartable. Something inside me was telling me that this is not it. This is not my supposed life. With that realization, my life fell apart. i became discontented with my job. I was trying to convince myself to go back to Iloilo because it is where I belong. And so I did... I left my supposed dream job after only 6 months. I left the city which I became so fascinated with and went back to the city I lived in almost my entire life. I left my friends there. But I was still convinced to find that 1% I've been searching for all this time.
I arrived back in Iloilo. Without a job, without any form of savings, without direction... only that question in my mind, "Where do i find that 1% to complete me?" I started from there. I made plans.... broke 'em. Built them again. But in the process, I lost everything. I knew that if I had to find that true hapiness, I am bound to lose everything first. At some point I had no career, no job, no money, no love... I only have myself.

But I was made a winner. I could not simply give up with my life. I started looking for a job. Still... no job offers. Just one of those unpleasant phases in my life. I even had one application that brought me to Cebu. It didn't work out though.

I was convinced not to waste my time and so i thought about going to law school. Giving up my hopes in a career in marketing. I searched for the answer. I got it. I got into law school. Then, I got a job offer. I'm feeling lucky now... but still incomplete. Though it is a good start. I'm starting to build my life from scratch again. And I'm happy. I'm loving the challenge in law school... and I love the working environment in my office.

Now, I found a new LOVE. I'm starting to feel complete. Is she the one I've been looking for all this time? ***

Blued

What's with the morning blues?

I'm not really a morning person. Though I think the best part of the day is a great breakfast and that sweet smell of the morning dew. Then again, I don't consider myself as a morning person. I often get depressed during morning.... most especially when I have a hangover or simply lack of sleep.

I think the reason why we have morning blues is the fact that our day is just starting. For some, it would be a long day... for some, it would pretty much be insignificant. But for all of us, I think it is the uncertainty of the day that gives us that bluey feeling.

That uncertainty is a risk for all of us. More often, we would not want to go out of our comfort zones, receive an extraordinay news, or make a life-changing decision. We all want to be comfortable, contented, and not prone to the frustrations and failures that come from our decisions. Yet, we can't do away with that because we are human beings. We don't merely exist... but we LIVE.

To exist is simply to demonstrate our existence... like a mice in the wheel. Serving its purpose but not really living its life for itself.

To live is to be happy, get hurt, be happy again...
I'm afraid too... I'm afraid to be happy, to be hurt... again. But that won't stop me from taking the risks coz its the only thing that makes me who I am. **

110kph

110kphA man asked, "how fast does your car go?" But the owner of the car could not simply state what's in the box. He should go beyond it. For he himself does not know how fast his car would really go. It could be faster than what the car salesman told him... or it could be slower.
Should he test the speed of the car? Risking damage to his prized possession just to know how fast his car would really go? Or do simply keep quiet and be contented on the stated top speed of his car without experiencing it? Would he? Would you?

Would you be contented in knowing how far your car could go? Or would you want to experience that speed? Of course, not withstanding the risk of accidents or of frustration because you haven't reach that desired top speed you wanted?

So if I was in love, and was asked, "How much is your love for me?"
Would I simply say to her what I feel? Or would I put myself into the limit just to find out how much I love her with the risk of losing her in the process? **

What question?

Do you believe in destiny? Do yo believe that you are meant for that special someone just waiting around the corner? Do you believe in love at first sight?...

All those mind-boggling questions often gives us the creeps and have sleepless nights over it. But I think we are all asking the wrong question... We are asking a question without an answer. It is a question that scares us... it is a question that complicates what is supposed to be a simple self-reflection.

As humans, we tend to quantify everything. Justifying every aspect of our actions just to be safe... as so not to be hurt... or be hurt again. But then, why do exist in the first place? Do we exist so that we don't get hurt? Do we exist not to make mistakes? Do we exist to be ALONE?

I think the question should be if we believe in destiny... or do we believe in true love. I think the question should be... Do we believe? **

Seven times eight

Another booze-charged night has passed after what had been my worst experience in the academe. Leaving the results of my prelims to the good spirits and believing to what I call the "triumph of the human spirit". I am expecting the consequence of not having enough time to digest everything about the law but I still believe that lady luck is still on my side. Somehow...

Let's see the results. Life is a risk... my life has been full of risks. My exams aren't an exemption. Because without risks, what is there to live for? Never say never... falling once... falling twice... falling thrice. As a popular sports ad would say, "fall down seven times, rise up EIGHT!"

Been to HELL and back

With the jubilation and lack of sleep all together... my mind and body was literally detached from reality as I came to the office. No withstanding the fact that I haven't even fully recovered from flu, I'm tensed with my forthcoming exam and more importantly, I am feeling a great sense of emotion that I am afraid would go away.

But the worst part was yet to come....

I came home shivering... but with one message, everything was alright. It was that good night message that overturned my hell day....

So even though I am miserable, even though I'm depressed, it's just great to know that you can share something, though how complicated it is, with someone...

*** This might be the most incomplete, vague and substance-less blog in the net... If you agree with me, then this blog is not made for you. This blog is only made for one person. So she can understand me... so she'll know me better... ##

Walking Tips

Walk... it's a good exercise!

Walk with comfortable shoes... It's no good if you just came from the office. Callus man!

Walk when there are no more public jeepney's around... It would be the only way to go home right?

Walk with someone you like... Coz it won't be just walking, it would be something more special than that!

Walk Slowly... You'll appreciate her beauty more!

Walk under the moonlight... Now, that is romantic! Hehe

Take your time... Walk with her... Stay with her... Appreciate her. Who knows? You actually make her happy without knowing it. =)

Huknws

Our future is determined by what we do today. It is our actions that make our destiny but it is somehow dicated by an invisible hand or by a higher power.
Who knows? Who Knows? That line has been stuck in my mind the whole week not because it is a question but because of the implication of that line. Indeed, we don't really know what will happen in the future. It might turn out good or bad... We might try our best... or not. It might be a test or might be the real thing already. We'll never know til we get there. We'll never know till it's over.
I just hope we'll get there... I'm sure we will. =)

Attaining Value

I am who I am. I am who I want to be....
The value of a person greatly differs to the exercise of his human rights. I am referring to the value by which a person perceives the opposite sex. It is that value which is integral in mating because of natural selection. Inherently, we are bound to choose the most suitable mate for us.
So how do we attain this value for us to be able to widen our market in terms of looking for that suitable mate?
First, we should develop ourselves personally. It is not enough that we have the sense of humor that girls usually like. Humor is a good thing but as the relationship progress, humor might not really be enough. Next, there is money. If you think money is not an issue, then you are part of the society of hopeless romantics that would rather die hungry than die a virgin. Money is part of our lives and it makes things convenient. Even though it does not top our list but it certainly has an effect in choosing our mate. A car, watch, cellphone, and that fashionable look would make the opposite sex have that second look on you. Being able to be articulate is up high on the list. But it also goes with education because it is not only "how you said it" but "what you said". And the list goes on...
This is the true face of the dating scene. It is not love that motivates the person to mate but it is being to put yourself in the market, determine your value, enhance it, and find that suitable mate the lives up your standards. It is a game and it is not for the fainted heart.
Nevertheless the true worth of dating is the fulfillment of that fundamental human need for self-development. But if you are looking for love, then you're in the wrong place because if you fall in love, value will be immaterial. You would even negate your value because love is the absence of rationality...
Date if you have to date but love is just around the corner. +++

Bottoms up!

[yesterday] We were supposed to be in class talking about human rights and stuff, while waiting I saw my close friend going straight directly to his chair and he was obviously not in a good mood. I called him and he was giving me the "bottoms up" signal... Obviously, he has a problem. All of us did. Depression is hitting me in many ways than I could imagine. That friend told me that he had a problem and had two bottles already. I caught up with him so that we could be on the same page. He told me that they are having problems with his gf. After the drinking session, he was puking in front of our school and was crying. Then that realization suddenly hit me... Why do we need to suffer from all this shameless shit? Love is supposed to make us happy... to make us complete. But why do we have to endure all the sleepless nights, the booze barage and the unending fights... People are never contented. They never do, and never will. We are never enough. But why do we have to be enough? I think we should look back at the purpose of love... the romantic kind. It is simply to make two people happy. Then if we are happy then we do it... But if we're no longer happy, then what's the point? +++